Girl on Girl action.

I swear to GOD the porn post preceeding this one has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with this one. Pinky swear.

Now, I just want to say ahead of time before you make judgements regarding my meanness re: my little sister, but I KNOW her. She has a different boyfriend every other week, leaves her fiance every other week, and she loves them all. Whatever she's doing right now, is what she 100% believes in. So, if she's dating Harvey, the grocery stocker today, she's in love with Harvey the Grocery stocker today. And tomorrow, she'll tell you (after she's rocked his world, called me and told me all about it) that it just wasn't working out between them and she had to get away from him.

If I thought for a second that she'd stick with what you're about to read, I'd be all over helping her with everything. Since I know she's a fraud...this is what she got:


So, yesterday, my sister calls me and says

Amanda: I broke up with Joe for good. He's such an asshole. But, hey! Good new...I'm very much in love with Hilary now.

Me: Uh...I'm sorry. Can you hold on while I clean up this coffee you just made me spit all over my keyboard?

Amanda: Dude...you so know you'd do it if you could. Don't be mean, just listen.

Me: I'm not mean, Amanda. If you want to leave the father of your children for a woman, by all means, don't let me interfere with that Springer show.

Amanda: I figured you'd understand.

Me: Oh, I understand completely. You've worn out the male population of the Midwest, and now you're onto the females. You should get an award. So, who's Hilary?

Amanda: My girlfriend. We're thinking of going to California and getting married.

Me: And the girls. How do the girls like Hilary?

Amanda: Well...I knew it was a good sign when Coianna asked for Hilary first and Joe second.

Me: Huh.

Amanda: So...what do you have to say? What do you think?

Me: I say don't call me to tell me you're coming out of the closet before I've had my morning coffee. It's not nice. That aside, I say do what you have to do. And don't even think I'm telling Dad for you.

Amanda: You don't think I'm dumb?

Me: Yes, but it has nothing to do with you dating Hilary.

Amanda: You are SO not a morning person.

Me: You're 21 and just now picking that up heh?

Amanda: When can we come over so you can meet her?

Me: I haven't seen you in six months. Now you're going to show up so I can meet a girl you won't even be with in 2 weeks? Wait. Sorry, I take that back. Anytime. I need to get a picture of this. It'll be handy for the "Hey Amanda, remember the time you were gay?" conversation in a year.

Amanda: Well, if there's any questions you want to have answered?

Me: Riiiiight. Cause you're a gay homosexual now, have travelled all the roads and should be preaching on the subject now? Sweet.

Amanda: You're such a priss. You need to quit or I'm telling that you have been with a woman too.

Me: Yeah. I dare you to tell Dad that. Who's he going to believe, you or me?

Amanda: Sigh. You're such a bitch.

Me: Yep. So, what'd Joe do to turn you Gay?

Amanda: He works too much. It's like 'We have to pay the mortgage, Amaaaanda. We have to pay the car payment Amaaaaanda. We have to feed the kids Amaaaaanda.' So he works like 12 hours a day, and then sleeps for the rest of it. Like I don't ever need to see him or something. And he didn't turn me gay, I've always been like this.

Me: Funny, the Midwest male populations swears differently...

Amanda: Shut up.

Me: So, let me just clarify...he works too much, you won't get a job and he's to blame?

Amanda: Yep. But I love Hilary.

Me: When'd you meet Hilary?

Amanda: 14 glorious days ago.

Me: (audibly laughing hysterically and calling to the livingroom "Jas...Amanda's got a girlfriend.)

Amanda: God I hate you sometimes.

Me: You don't hate me, Amanda. You know I'm right. If I thought for a second you were serious, you know I'd support you in any way, shape or form that I could. But, you're EMBARRASSING the Gay population. They don't like to be made fun of, and that's exactly what you're doing.

Amanda: Am not. I love her.

Me: Mmmmmk.

Amanda: Really.

Me: Then why are you telling me about it? Why aren't you packing up the kids for the trip to Cali?

Amanda: I have to go. Hill wants me, if you know what I mean.

Me: Amanda...go for it. You do what you need to do to make you happy. Lord knows you haven't been satisfied with anything else. If you need anything, call me.

Amanda: I knew you'd understand.

Me: Uh-huh. Talk to you later.

Amanda: K. Buh-bye.