Catch Up and a Realistic Look at Suicide.

Before we start, don't worry. It's not MY suicide we'll be looking at. Relax.

So, I haven't posted in like 5 days. I'm sorry. I truly am sorry. To all of those who have gently prodded me with emails like "Where the hell are you?" and "Chop-Chop: Get your ass back to blogging." I'm here, alive and interestingly enough, I have WAAAAY to much on my plate. Every so often I like to cram my schedule so full that I can't possibly breathe, much less sit around and contemplate my life just to test myself to see if I've still got it. As of now, I've still got it. LOL

So, what's going on in the world of me, you ask? Well...the two job thing is still going ok. MYF by day, bartender/bouncer/waitress by night. I like bartending. I was getting a little irritated with all the fights and such there for a minute, but in all honesty, I am handling it, and it's kind of like a little stress relief. There's something satisfying about having all this angst in my head and heart from dealing with heartache and loss all day and then being able to take it out on mean drunks at night.

An example, you ask? Oh, well of course. Saturday night, there was a fight brewing. I knew it was coming, you could just tell by the demeanor of the two men involved. The big guy, Ray-Ray (yes, they really call him this. I also heard him called "Rayban" and "Raygun") just got out of prison, by his own admission. 7 1/2 years. You can always peg the guys who have done a significant amount of time. They're the only self respecting large 40 year old white dude referring to everyone as their "homies" and their "peeps".

The other guy was just your run of the mill 45 year old, who was from what I could tell, minding his own business and tipping well. He sat there with another buddy, Randy. Randy was on crutches, due to a surgery on his ankle where they had to put some pins in (or something. I was paying attention, but not that close attention).

So, Ray and Randy have been going rounds since their freshman year of high school, according to a spectator. However, Randy wasn't really in the mood to squabble that night, due to his injury. So, instead, Ray picks a fight with Run-of-the-mill guy. He starts saying nasty things to him, yelled something at him about learning what it's like to be someone's "Prison-Bitch", and truthfully, that's where everything started going somewhat downhill.

It was at this point that I made the decision that Ray had had enough to drink. I cut him off. He ordered a beer and I told him that if he wanted to go home and drink that it was his perogative, but he wasn't drinking anymore in the bar.

I watch him drag run-of-the-mill guy out on the patio. I go watch between the crack of the door what they were doing, expecting a fight. I see him take the cellophane off his cigarette box, and see a vial of white powder in the bottom of it. I walked out there with Lex (a regular who is big, sweet, and fairly protective of me) to kick him out of the bar. Run-of-the-mill guy was in the process of trying to escape Ray and the situation when I got to the table. Neither of them saw me coming. I heard Run-of-the-mill guy say "Are you crazy? Do I look like a druggie to you? Jesus Christ, Man, put that shit away!"

I said "Ray...this is where I ask you to leave. You've had an attitude since you got here, and now you're pulling out cocaine in my bar. You need to leave."

He says "Your bar? This isn't your bar. Chris loves me. She would never kick me out." I said "It's my bar tonight, and it's my job to protect it. I can assure you that your 10 bucks worth of beer that you've bought here tonight isn't worth her liquer license being taken away for you attempting to do or sell drugs out of the bar. Leave."

He wouldn't leave. So, I called Chris to tell her. She says "Be there in 10" And I let him know. He walked past me and rammed his shoulder into my body, flinging me about 3 foot. It was at that point that I got pissed. Up until this point, I was mildly irritated. I said "Ray, you can either leave, or I'll have your parole officer's name within 10 minutes and will get him or her on the phone AT HOME. Totally up to you...

Ray left. And he won't be back. See...that's stress relief for me. Where else can you be so obviously mean and evil as a bar, where you babysit full grown adults and keep them from killing each other? I like it.

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What else has been going on? Rio! Rio lets me pet him all over, lets me cradle him like a baby, now, and is actually taking seed and nuts from my lips. Have I told you lately how much I freakin' love that bird?!

The suicide deal.

I told you last week about a victim that had been missing that was found in the woods deceased. The truth is, he was found deceased in the woods with a gunshot wound to the head, two guns lying with him and his truck about 400 yards away. He drove up north 2 1/2 hours to do this, instead of going to close on his house, as originally planned.

Suicide is horrible, yes. That's a gimme. But, what's even more horrible is what the religions do to the family after a suicide.

A lot of religions will have you believe that if you should commit suicide that either a: Do not pass the pearly gates. Go straight to hell. There is no bond for such a crime. or b: Pergatory. Since you couldn't figure out your life while you were alive, you'll have the whole rest of eternity to do it while resting in neither hell nor heaven.

And, the families get to hear this. They also get to sit and contemplate what role they, themselves had in the suicide. Most suicide notes are very hard to read, very accusatory (even the ones that say "it's not your fault", since by saying that to the person implies that it needs to be said), and even if a note is not left, the family is generally consumed by guilt.

The family we're working with now is no exception. I'm so tired of religions making God out to be this dick who has nothing better to do with his time than to give us choice, and then contradict it by sending us to hell for making those choices. I don't believe that at all. What I believe is that he gave us free choice so that he could experience all and everything THROUGH us, and that in the end, he knows that we go back to him anyway. Period. It's really not a test, or a challenge...its just us living our lives the way we choose so that He can experience it all through us, and enjoy it because we made the choices that make those experiences.

What do you believe about suicide and where you end up?

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