Pet Malevolence

It's official. My animals think I'm Satan.

I've about had it with the damn bugs and rodents. So, imagine my glee when I'm sitting here in this very chair, petting my kitty (Oh quit...) and a flea jumps on me. I said "Jas, get the keys, we're going out." So, off to Meijer's we went (local Wal-Martish type store with higher prices). I bought some Flea and Tick spray for the cats, shampoo for both the cats and dogs and home we came.

So, Hagrid (affectionately called Kitten-Shit) went first. He's the most submissive and is by now used to getting all slathered up with soapy goodness. He just lays down and takes it for the most part now. Course, usually he gets Aveda. Today, he got Flea treatment. It doesn't smell anywhere close to as good, but the stuff works. He was my guinea pig of sorts, to see if it was even worth putting on the other animals. It was awesome! They just laid down and died. Just like that. Normally, when you use Salon-bought Aveda, it just lulls them into a scentual fantasy land, and they sleep, all the while LOOKING dead. They come back to life as soon as he dries off and they can actually maneuver through his fur.

Lily happened to be sleeping in the bathroom window during the festivities. Actually, if you want the truth, I think she was pretending to be sleeping, and was really just snorting her approval of the torturing of the kitten. They don't really get along. Hagrid likes Lily just fine. Lily thinks Hagrid is a pimple on the ass of her life. So, she was next. I actually had Lily declawed, all four claws when she was about eight months old. The reason was because she'd freakin' attack me when I was sleeping, and rabbit kick the hell out of my arms. The end result was me looking like I was disgruntled with life and trying to end it all. I was getting calls from psychologists, well meaning friends were saying things like "Honey...if there's anything I can do to take some of the stress off..." and stuff like that. Suicide's for pussies, and if pussies are for makin' it look like suicide, out come their claws in my world.

Anyways...where was I? Oh. Yeah. So, into the bath she goes, and the first thing she does is twists onto her back and rabbit kicks the hell out of my arm. When that didn't cause immediate release, she decided she would reach around and bite me as hard as she could. That worked. So, now it's hot pursuit of a dripping, very long haired animal. It's AMAZING how much water is retained in the fur of a long hair cat. And she's just pissing and moaning at me all through the chase. Finally, I catch her, and back to the bath she goes. I ended up getting all the soap off her, and then wrangling her out of the shower with a towel. I was feeling a little bit like that Crocodile Hunter Bastard by the time we were done.

Next, Murphy blindly follows my command to come upstairs. Interesting how she'll follow voice commands inside, but the moment she steps foot outside she's deaf, dumb and blind to the fact she even HAS a master. So, I lug her 90 pound ass into the claw-foot tub (a feat in and of itself), and start slathering away. Instead of using the cup to rinse, like I did with the cats, I got out the bucket. She loves playing in water. So, I'm trying to slather her up, she wants to jump and splash and play. Oh, great fun! Her bath went great until I accidentally got it in her eyes. Then she howled and cried and whined, and all of a sudden, I'm not her favorite human, and she wouldn't get back to me on when I'd be allowed to resume that position. When she was done, I draped a towel over her back (it happened to have a big hole in it, which was perfect for putting her tail through) and then she had to go have some fun. First she rolled all over the new carpet, then rubbed against every piece of furniture we've got, and then shook off on daddy (daddy LOVES it when she does that).

After all was said and done, I went back upstairs to take a shower of my own. Murphy comes up to observe, sits there for a sec and as I get in under the water looks right in my eyes and barks. I swear to God, I think she was thinking "See, you take showers, I take showers. You eat out of bowls, I eat out of bowls. You wear necklaces, I have a necklace. I'M HUMAN. Quit treating me like a freakin' dog!"

After I got out of the shower, I put baby lotion on my legs. I always do. This time, I also put some on her belly. Not only does she smell phenomenal, but I'm hoping it will diminish that whole itching and licking in that area constantly deal.

Lets hope. They'll forgive me...LOL

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