Bejiggity

That's about the only word I can come up with for what I've been lately. Bejiggity. I don't know what my damn problem is , but some would argue that my head is shoved so completely far up my ass, that it's going to be years behind in tanning up with the rest of my body.

Work has kept me quite busy. Between jobs one and two, I haven't a whole lot of time for much else. Normally, this would be delightful in the world of me. But lately, it's just...I don't know...tiresome. Mundane. Not quite what I had pictured for myself at the age of 30. I didn't realize that I've got the "I-Just-Turned-30-Blahhhs" until someone who knows me quite well pointed out that my problem was exactly that about a week - maybe week and a half ago. But...you know what? That's exactly what my problem is.

I'm 30 years old. In my 30 years, I've accomplished what? On the bright side, I've got 3 awesome boys. A husband whom adores me. A non-profit organization that I built from the ground up that while it's successful in it's mission by most public standards, isn't as stable as I would like for it to be. I've loved so hard my heart literally broke right in two. And, I've managed to live without it, too. I've got THE coolest bird in the universe. (Go Rio) I've met some of the greatest people a girl could ever call a friend, and been able to do just that.

But, still, I'm not where I think that I should be at the ripe old age of 30. I don't own my home. I'm not in a position where I even want to own a home right now, as I have absolutely no freakin' clue what I'm doing next month, much less in 10 years. Yet, at the same time, I feel that I owe it to my kids to provide the stability that owning your home provides. In a perfect world, it would be in the country, with a good 10 acres to toss some horses out on them. But...do I do that here, or do I do it in North Carolina?

Do I even want to go to North Carolina? The point of that is to help further the Org along by providing some much needed relief to my NC Director. She needs help. The other point of that is that there are jobs down there. Real, true, get-your-paycheck-at-the-end-of-the-week jobs for Jason. Here, there are not. He went from making almost 50k a year, getting laid off with a bunch of his other co-workers, to now working at Target (for Chrissakes) to making a whopping 19k a year. That's not ok. That's not ok at all. And, this is the best thing that Jackson, Michigan has to offer. There are no shop jobs. There are no blue collar jobs for the experience he's got. And, it's killing us. People are literally fighting to keep their heads above water here. It's not just us...it's everyone. I hear the same story day in and day out at the bar. "Just got laid off", "been downsized", yada-yada-yada.

So, do we make a move we can't afford to make all the way to North Carolina? It's warmer. It's nicer. It's beautiful. There are jobs. I have friends there. Sure...we could do it. It'd be cheaper to live, and chances are he'd be paid more for a job he doesn't hate.

But...then I have to take into account that all of my family, and all of my real, true, honest to goodness friends, are right here. In Michigan. Sure it's colder than hell 70% of the year. I hate snow. I don't even call it snow...I call it white shit. And, I've earned the right to call it that with all the backbreaking hours I've put in shoveling it out of my driveway. I hate a lot of things about this place, but it's home. And no matter where I go, it will always BE home.

Ugg.

Maybe we should look for a different city here in Michigan that has a better job market. Jas is planning to go back to school in the fall, and he's young enough to do it and do it quickly. He's almost done with his bachelors anywho...so it wouldn't take much time.

I don't freakin' know. All I know is that a lot of the goals that I had set for me and my family...haven't exactly been reached. I have some shit to do, and Lord help me if I don't start accomplishing some of it. I'm 30. Officially, the training wheels are off. I don't have the "Well...I'm still young" excuse anymore. I'm not a kid anymore, and there's no mistaking that I'm responsible for my own actions, my own mistakes, and my own failures.

I've always said that the only person that can shape my future is me. I guess it's time I start figuring out what that's going to be. The "When I grow Up, I'm gonna be a _____________" fill in the blank sheet should have an answer in it by now. I'm pretty sure mine didn't say "Bartender".

sdk