Bejiggity

That's about the only word I can come up with for what I've been lately. Bejiggity. I don't know what my damn problem is , but some would argue that my head is shoved so completely far up my ass, that it's going to be years behind in tanning up with the rest of my body.

Work has kept me quite busy. Between jobs one and two, I haven't a whole lot of time for much else. Normally, this would be delightful in the world of me. But lately, it's just...I don't know...tiresome. Mundane. Not quite what I had pictured for myself at the age of 30. I didn't realize that I've got the "I-Just-Turned-30-Blahhhs" until someone who knows me quite well pointed out that my problem was exactly that about a week - maybe week and a half ago. But...you know what? That's exactly what my problem is.

I'm 30 years old. In my 30 years, I've accomplished what? On the bright side, I've got 3 awesome boys. A husband whom adores me. A non-profit organization that I built from the ground up that while it's successful in it's mission by most public standards, isn't as stable as I would like for it to be. I've loved so hard my heart literally broke right in two. And, I've managed to live without it, too. I've got THE coolest bird in the universe. (Go Rio) I've met some of the greatest people a girl could ever call a friend, and been able to do just that.

But, still, I'm not where I think that I should be at the ripe old age of 30. I don't own my home. I'm not in a position where I even want to own a home right now, as I have absolutely no freakin' clue what I'm doing next month, much less in 10 years. Yet, at the same time, I feel that I owe it to my kids to provide the stability that owning your home provides. In a perfect world, it would be in the country, with a good 10 acres to toss some horses out on them. But...do I do that here, or do I do it in North Carolina?

Do I even want to go to North Carolina? The point of that is to help further the Org along by providing some much needed relief to my NC Director. She needs help. The other point of that is that there are jobs down there. Real, true, get-your-paycheck-at-the-end-of-the-week jobs for Jason. Here, there are not. He went from making almost 50k a year, getting laid off with a bunch of his other co-workers, to now working at Target (for Chrissakes) to making a whopping 19k a year. That's not ok. That's not ok at all. And, this is the best thing that Jackson, Michigan has to offer. There are no shop jobs. There are no blue collar jobs for the experience he's got. And, it's killing us. People are literally fighting to keep their heads above water here. It's not just us...it's everyone. I hear the same story day in and day out at the bar. "Just got laid off", "been downsized", yada-yada-yada.

So, do we make a move we can't afford to make all the way to North Carolina? It's warmer. It's nicer. It's beautiful. There are jobs. I have friends there. Sure...we could do it. It'd be cheaper to live, and chances are he'd be paid more for a job he doesn't hate.

But...then I have to take into account that all of my family, and all of my real, true, honest to goodness friends, are right here. In Michigan. Sure it's colder than hell 70% of the year. I hate snow. I don't even call it snow...I call it white shit. And, I've earned the right to call it that with all the backbreaking hours I've put in shoveling it out of my driveway. I hate a lot of things about this place, but it's home. And no matter where I go, it will always BE home.

Ugg.

Maybe we should look for a different city here in Michigan that has a better job market. Jas is planning to go back to school in the fall, and he's young enough to do it and do it quickly. He's almost done with his bachelors anywho...so it wouldn't take much time.

I don't freakin' know. All I know is that a lot of the goals that I had set for me and my family...haven't exactly been reached. I have some shit to do, and Lord help me if I don't start accomplishing some of it. I'm 30. Officially, the training wheels are off. I don't have the "Well...I'm still young" excuse anymore. I'm not a kid anymore, and there's no mistaking that I'm responsible for my own actions, my own mistakes, and my own failures.

I've always said that the only person that can shape my future is me. I guess it's time I start figuring out what that's going to be. The "When I grow Up, I'm gonna be a _____________" fill in the blank sheet should have an answer in it by now. I'm pretty sure mine didn't say "Bartender".

sdk

Loooooong, Boring Night...

Tonight was another long, boring night at the bar. After my pool leagues, there was literally 7 people in there, the entire night. Normally, a Wednesday night would be slammed, but we weren't tonight. But...the people who WERE there, were just FUCKING demanding.

Like, for instance, Mandy. Mandy was schnaukered. Just sloshed. And, everytime I tried to make or take a call, to say my boss, or to a friend who needed me to talk to her tonight, Mandy would scream my name at the tip-top of her lungs for my undivided attention. I wanted to smack her. And I may have entertained that idea if she didn't outweigh me by a good 200 pounds and a foot up. Grrr.

Pool leagues were interesting. There's this guy, Will. Will is a nice enough guy, a little on the slow side, but his looks outweigh his lack of common sense at first glance. Anywho, Will sat there tonight, asking me about my kids and my husband. I told him that the boys were doing well, Alex was on spring break, Logan's learning to walk, yada, yada, yada. I told him Jas was home with the boys and is just plugging away at work, getting ready for the move, etc. Right...?

So, Will pops up with: "So, do you think you and I could go out sometime before you leave?" I said "Well..., *ahem*, Will. What time is your girlfriend picking you up?" He says "Oh...I don't know, she should be here in a little bit. She was Pee-issed that I was talking to you last week after pool leagues. You should have heard her all the way home. She was mad!"

I try to defer to another subject. "So, how's work going? Take down any major trees after the tornado? My parents house got hit." A tornado hit Friday, my parents house was trampled by it, and Will works for a tree removal business, and has been slammed after some of the rough weather we've been having. Normally, this would lead him off to the extremes of his work, and I would get to be entertained by near-death experiences he's had whilst on the job, right? Uh huh...NO.

"So, I'll write down my number for you, and you call me. We'll go to the casino or something. That'll be fun. Can you get out for an entire night? You have to remember to NEVER, EVER call me after 4:30 pm. She'll find out and I'll be dead."

I took the poor boy's phone number, waited until he and Sophie, his girlfriend were gone and then tossed it.

Do I have "Slutty-Man-Tender" Written somewhere on my forehead? Is it there? Good Lord. Ask how my children are doing and then in no uncertain terms ask me to cheat on him. Puh-lease. There's a relationship made in heaven, don't you think?

I'm tired. Really tired. I haven't gotten much sleep the last few nights and it's killing me. I can feel myself getting sick, AGAIN. My 30th birthday is Saturday, and I really didn't want to get sick for it. I'm trying to drink lots and lots of OJ and to keep just ahead of it. I'm workin' on it...

sdk

Off to listen to some sappy music and think a lot.