Do you ever?

Do you ever look back upon your choices and wonder how differently things would have turned out had you travelled the other road?

I try hard not to do just that. It pains me to do it because deep down, I know that my life could be very different than it is right now with one very large decision. I don't really want to go into what that decision was because, well, that pains me too, and the only other person it truly means something to knows very well what I'm talking about. I'm not saying that I would've made the other choice if I had the chance to do it all over again. I'm not, because even if I had it to do all over again, I'm not sure I'd be brave enough or have the cajones or the proverbial balls that everyone's always talking about to make that decision. And, had I made it, I wouldn't have what I have now, and that is something I don't even want to think about. But still...what if?

I try very hard not to compare what my life is now with the decision that defined it all. But, sometimes I can't help myself. Would my organization be where it is now? Would I be enjoying a happier and more satisfying intellectual level? Would I have a third child? Would I be as much in love as I always have been after all the time that's passed, but in person? What would it be like?

People always say to leave the past in the past, but for whatever reason, with this, it just never works out that way. I can't. Because we both know that sort of energy, that sort of spark is few and far between. My heart broke as much as I was in love too. I will be forever sorry...no, not sorry, sorry doesn't even begin to cover how I feel, but it's the only word that works - - maybe mournful? for the pain that I've caused us both. It is my fault, and I know that. I don't know if or how I could have changed it for it to be right. I might never know. But it's forever in my heart and mind, and I'm not at all sure if that pain will ever stop. Just know that there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it.

For everyone that's reading this thinking "What the hell is she talking about?"...I can't even begin to explain, I just don't have it in me to go through the entire thing to try to help you understand something you'd only get by experiencing it. But, to you, the person who knows damn well what I'm talking about...my heart still hurts as much today as it did then. You are obviously doing very well. And you look great. I look every day and I'm very proud of you.

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