God, I Wish I Were Making This Up...

While we're on the subject of my fucked up family, I've got a wild story to tell you about Grandpa and my Aunt Robin. This is one that I'm dying to tell my kids and their kids, and their kids, but they aren't old enough to hear it yet, and well...even if they were, I'm not sure I want them to look at their Papa as a son-of-a-bitch. We'll chalk it up to family lore. This is a strong contender for the Nature vs. Nurture debate. Hell, had I not seen it with my own eyes, I'm not sure I'd even believe it.

When Aunt Robin (whom we called Bobby until she had a Bobbye of her own) graduated from high school, she got the hell out of dodge. The first thing she did was buy herself a car and move to Florida.

It was her first visit home after her move that started the family tradition of having a huge fight every, single, flippin' time.

On her second day home, she asked Grandpa if she could borrow the truck. He said, "Bobby, it's loaded down with furniture, I don't want you driving it." Grandma and Grandpa own an antique mall. She said ok, and that she'd be back in a little bit. She went down the road a bit, to Old Mr. Murphy's house and asked him if she could use the truck for the night. Old Mr. Murphy said it wouldn't be a problem. "Anything for you, Bobby!"

Now, right here, we should note that Robin's intention that night was to go out with Chris, one of her oldest friends. Chris, a white girl was dating a black guy. She had already had one child by the said black guy (who might I just add is a freakin' KNOCK-OUT now). This was what Grandpa's deal was. He didn't want Robin going out with Chris, the white girl who dated black guys.

Aunt Robin pulls into the driveway with Old Mr. Murphy's truck and parks. She goes in and into the bathroom to get ready to go out that night. In the mirror, she sees the reflection of what's going on outside the window.

There's Grandpa, with Old Mr. Murphy's truck hood open. He's grabbing wires and pulling them off the motor just as fast as he could. She sat there for a second, looking quite stunned. She said to me, "Ugggh. It's amazing someone hasn't killed that man yet." It was just about then, we heard the screen door slam in the kitchen. One glance out the window told us that Grandpa wasn't "working" on the truck anymore.

Seconds later, Grandpa appears in the doorway of the bathroom. "Bobby, go move that truck. It's in my way." Aunt Robin looks him square in the eye and says "Dad, you know damn well......(pause)... Ok, Dad. I'll go move the truck."

So, Robin heads outside. From the bathroom window, I watch. She goes out, flips up Grandpa's hood on HIS truck, and starts pulling wires just as quickly as she can.

Then I hear the screen door slam again. I prayed "Dear Lord. Please let Aunt Robin run faster than Grandpa."

I go running out into the kitchen, and out the screen door to the porch. I see Aunt Robin slam down the hood of Grandpa's truck and head on a dead run for the lane to the back alphalpha field. Grandpa follows her for a few minutes, also on a dead run, and then he abruptly stops. He walks at a brisk pace over to the barn. It was then that I knew the shit was about to hit the fan.

I hear the Bull Dozer start up. It's a relatively new dozer, and it's freakin' huge. He's now going as fast as its governor will allow, across the hay field, towards Aunt Robin. Meanwhile, my dad is upstairs taking a nap. He didn't feel good, had a bad headache, and he had come over to Gram and Grandpa's to pick me up because they were watching me while he and mom were at work. He ended up laying down in my mom's old room for a while because he felt yucky. So, I went up to tell daddy that Grandpa was trying to kill Aunt Robin and that he should probably go help her.

So, dad springs out of bed, and is on a dead run for outside. There was no "Oh, honey, Grandpa's not going to kill Aunt Robin! What on Earth would make you think that?!" If the bull dozer was running, there's no doubt that Grandpa's up to no good. Especially at 8pm at night.

So, Dad goes running down the lane to try to help grandpa. Over his shoulder he screams "If Grandpa does anything dumb, call 911!" Ok, define DUMB to an 8 year old. What the hell?! So, I sat there watching.

Robin has now circled around and is heading, still sprinting towards the house. Grandpa, not missing a beat, is right behind her, swinging the bucket of the dozer back and forth and swerving all over the place.

I decide that he's for real, and went in to call 911. Then, I went back outside.

They are about, oh...30 yards from the house at this point. Aunt Robin is screaming "You crazy bastard! You're going to KILL ME!" I couldn't hear what Grandpa was yelling. It was muffled by the dozer.

Robin does the smart thing. She makes a B line for the barn. She goes in, climbs the gate and goes on into the paddock. He ain't going to go busting through the electric fence and risk letting all the horses out. So, for the time being she's safe.

In the meantime, Grandpa circles the dozer back out to the driveway. He flips around in his chair, and is now controlling the blade...the big wide plow looking thing on the dozer. At this point, law enforcement is starting to arrive. So far, I see three cars.

Grandpa gets on the other side of Old Mr. Murphy's truck. First he lowers the plow bucket. And slowly moves forward. It was at this point that my dad was able to climb up on the dozer and try to talk him down.

That didn't work. Grandpa punched my dad right in the mouth. Dad jumped off. He came around the side of the house and found a push broom that Gram used for the porch.

Grandpa scooped the bottom of Old Mr. Murphy's truck, and tipped it up on it's side. Now, every cop there has their firearms aimed right at him. But, he's in a metal cage inside there. Even if they would have shot, the chances of ricochet quite good.

Grandpa floors the dozer. He slams Old Mr. Murphy's truck right into the house. (I'm over standing behind the cop cars at this point.) Four different times he slammed that truck into the porch. He put a huge gaping hole in the side of the house.

During slams 3 and 4, my Dad was back up on the dozer, and he's now got that broom, and he's pounding the shit out of Grandpa with it. Finally, Grandpa shuts down the dozer.

About this time, Gram comes pulling into the driveway with my mom in the car. She comes flying out of the car just a bitching. I don't think she even took the time to put the thing in park.

Law enforcement quickly grabs grandpa, and handcuffs him and puts him in the car. After sitting there for a few minutes, he asks the cop if he can apologize to Robin. The cop thinks this is a good idea, so he calls Robin over there. Robin, from a distance says "Dad, what?" He says "Come closer. I want to tell you something. I need to tell you how sorry I am." So, she goes and bends down close to his face and says "Yeah? What do you have to say for trying to kill me?" And then...

He spit right in her face.

Charming, huh? Thank God he's lost most of that spunk with old age, but I shit you not, if he gets pissed and I hear the tractor, I'm OUTTA there.

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