"When We Split Up, Will You Keep the Computer Or the DVD's?"

Since he won't talk about it, refuses to understand why I'm upset, and is being a class A prick, he deserves for me to write about it. And, as always, I'll feel better if I do.

I'm pissed, no...scratch that, profoundly hurt by Mr. DK. It's a bit of a long story, but I'll lay it out as best as I can.

Over the past few months, he's been coming up with some interesting comments. Comments that by themselves could sound like he's kidding, but when you add them all up, generally should mean that he's actually given some serious thought to the matter.

Some of the comments are as follows:

"When we split up, will you keep the computer or the dvd's?"
"After the divorce, we'll have split custody, so there won't be any child support for either of us."
"When you leave me, the only way I won't sue for custody is if you don't go back to him."
"Your dad will still talk to me after we part ways. He loves me."

You know...that kind of stuff. Slipped into a jovial conversation when you're least expecting it. It wasn't until yesterday that I finally connected the proverbial dots and figured out that he was freakin' serious.

This is more info than y'all probably want or need to know. So, if you have an aversion to things sexual, quickly spot the red x at the top right of your screen. Come back tomorrow. Maybe I'll talk about Disney World or something then.

So, yesterday, the kids are taking naps, it's quiet. I'm feeling a bit...uh...needy. Not like "Hold me." needy. Like "Gonna need it right now." needy. So, he was upstairs doing something, and when he came back down, he was presented with a naked me, being all loveable. I was workin' it.

Do you know what he said? He actually said "Yeah...not now. I don't feel like it." I said..."Huh. Really? Cause I'm feelin' it." He said "Nope. Not at all. Put your clothes back on."

I just sat there, comletely exposed, stunned. He said "What? Now you're going to be all mad and pissy?" I replied "Nope." He said, "Whatever. Fine. Here." and started very angrily ripping off his clothes. I said "Uh...tempting, but I think not." and got up very angrily to put some clothes back on.

Then I got to thinking about it. All the things he's said over the last few months. All the romance that has been lacking, all the crankiness he's spewed for the last six months. I came to the conclusion that he's serious. He's freakin' serious. He's thought a lot about what would happen if we got a divorce, because he's actually envisioning it. He's seeing for himself how it would be, how it would work out, what to do with the kids, and he knows that the person I'm closest to, the person I had always dreamed of marrying is still yet unhitched, and he knows that it's a threat to him because he's saying that if I were to go there, and try to make something of it with that person, he would actually try and fight me for the custody of my boys.

But, here's the fun part. He's a pussy. He won't do it. He wants me to do it. He wants me to ask for the divorce, so he's going to be a miserable SOB until I do. He knows that would rip me apart worse than anything else. He knows that for me to ask for the out would destroy me. So, here we are, in a deadlock. He's putting the ball in my court so that I have to make a move.

I haven't talked to him, really since yesterday when all this happened. He has tried to talk to me here and there, but I've given him short answers. He knows damn skippy how much he hurt me yesterday. I know he does because he's half walking around here with his tail between his legs and half trying to remain somewhat cocky, as if he's trying to remember that this is part of his little game.

A little earlier he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I have a pinched nerve in my shoulder, which, by my calculations is his fault since he's a dick and I had to sleep on the couch so as to not be near him. (I'm a bitch. This is me, for better or worse.)

He said absolutely nothing in return. So, finally, I said "Do you have any idea how badly you hurt my feelings yesterday?" and he said "Why? Because I wouldn't have sex when YOU wanted it?" I said "Are you freakin' kidding me? It goes WAY beyond that." And he says, "Well, I don't know what you're so upset about. It's your problem." I said "Huh. Well, if you don't know what I'm upset about, then it's not even worth having the fucking conversation. It wouldn't do any good anyway."

So, that's where we're at. I'm wondering what's going to happen, and he's being the biggest dick he can be so I'll speed it up.

And...here's the problem. Even if he did decide he wanted to go right now...where the hell would he go? He's been layed off since the week after Logan was born. I'm about to have surgery (which I finally have confirmation we'll be scheduling on the 29th. If God loves me...it'll be next month), I am going to have to get a day job that pays me (which I truly don't have time for) and there's just all these little things that make it so this is not a good time for him to decide he wants to go live the life of a bachelor.

So, there you have it. Just when you think things can't get worse, you're proven wrong.

That's what I'm all bejiggity about.

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