A Semi-Agreement Has Been Reached.

Today has a few interesting points. I'll go with the chronological version of what happened.

I got a job. I accepted a job as a bartender for nights and weekends at a pub (read: hole in the wall) that gets more business than any bar should for its size. I talked with the bartender that was on and he said that he never leaves on any week night with less than 75 bucks, plus his hourly rate. He said on the weekends, it's not uncommon for him to rake in 150 in tips, and as he put it...LMAO he's not nearly as cute as I am. So, I should do ok. They've got either a DJ or karaoke 7 nights a week, plus there's pool league on Wednesday, Thursdays and Sundays. I'll never work a day shift (mainly because I already have a job), and my hours will run from 7-3, though on some nights I may get to leave at midnight or 1, depending.

I actually think it might be fun. I'll work 4 nights a week...Wed, Thurs, Fri and Sat...which of course are the nights that I'd rake in the most tips anyway. I can live with this arrangement. It leaves me free for the days to work at the Org, and I'll actually have a paying job on the side. Plus...winters are usually not as busy for us anyways. It seems like criminals seem to work most during the warm months. There's your occaisional missing person during the winter months...don't get me wrong. But, not in the volume that there is in the spring and summer.

So, I get home and I say to Mr. DK: So...I got a job. I start tomorrow. Finally, I'll be able to help with the income. He says "Great." That was it. No questions...no nothin.

So after Law and Order tonight (I'm SUCH an addict) he makes some smart ass comment. I can't even remember what he said. So, finally...I just laid it out for him. I'll try to recollect the conversation as best I can. (Warning: It's long and I was pretty pissed.)

Me: What the FUCK is your problem? Do you think I don't know what's going on in that head of yours? If you want a divorce, you're going to have to come out and ask for it. I'm not doing it for you. If you don't want to be here, then don't. But...quit taking your shit out on me and the kids. If you want to waste away in front of the TV for the rest of your life, be my guest, but don't come crying to me later that I wasted YOUR life. Because that's not how it is. You seem to think that all the problems we've been through, all the mountains we've had to climb are my fault. I am here to tell you that sometimes, things just happen. They aren't anyone's fault. And the rest...those belong to both of us. I know you feel inferior. I know you are depressed. I know you feel overweight. I know that it's been rough. I'm not mad at you for feeling the way you do about it. What I'm mad at is your lack of ambition to do anything about it. So there it is. What are you going to do to fix it?

Mr. DK: Stares at wall. For a good 10 minutes. He said NOTHING.

Me: If you think you're going to slack through this conversation and not at least come to an agreement on what the hell we're going to do...you're out of your mind. If that's the way you wanna handle it...I'll take the kids and go to Sue's.

Mr. DK: Why do you threaten me with that? Why do you think you can just walk out of here and take the kids?

Me: Oh...it's not a threat. If I go, they're going with me. That's just the way it is. The question is, is it necessary?

Mr. DK: ((Grimace. Stares at the wall some more.))

Me: Jas...do you want to be here or not? That's what I need to know. Either you want to, or you don't. But, if you intend to stay, some stuff needs to change. You need to drag your ass off the couch and find something to do that makes you happy. I'd start with getting a job. I figured that me getting one would make you ecstatic. I'll probably bring in enough to pay our rent and utilities. You get one and the rest is cake. Then we need to work on us. If we're not going to at least try to make each other happy, then we need to just stop. I don't want to hate you, but this is reminding me a lot of my last marriage towards the end. I don't want us to hate each other. We can't let it get that far. If we're going to end it, we need to do it while we're still friends.

Mr. DK: I don't want out. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to make myself happy. I just know that it's not happening now. I don't like being a dickhead all the time. I love you, and I love the kids. I do. You must know that I do. I just can't seem to get out of this mindset.

Me: Well...then let me help you. Let me help you work towards those goals. Do you want to see a counselor? We could see a marriage counselor together...or you could see a counselor on your own.

Mr. DK: Do you think it'd help?

Me: I don't know. I know it's expensive. But...worth it if it saves us from another day like any of the past 6 months.

Mr. DK: What do you want to hear?

Me: It's not ABOUT what I want to freakin' hear, Jas!

Mr. DK: Well, you want me to make you feel all warm and cozy inside, and I don't know what to say that will make that happen.

Me: It's not what you have to say that's going to count anymore. I've heard you over and over again tell me how you're going to do this and that, and then watch the good idea crumble into oblivion and never see the light of day. You're going to have to prove it with actions. Plain and simple. I've put 4 years into this relationship, and into you. Now, I want some return on my investment.

Mr. DK: Ok. I'll try. I can promise you that I'll try to be more of who I was when you met me.

Me: Ok. I can live with that. Do I have the freedom to call you an insufferable bastard when you're acting like one?

Mr. DK: Have you ever held back before?

Me: Good point. Ok. Good. We can build on this. But...this isn't one of those conversations where you get to wake up tomorrow and forget we had it. If you don't work on it, it will keep coming back to bite you in the ass, and we will end up hating each other. You know that, yes?

Mr. DK: Yes. I know.

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So...that's where we ended it. That's not verbatim, but I think I got all the points in that were stressed. I'm happy with the fact that at least I can return to my bed tonight. My shoulder's freakin' killing me.

If he doesn't buck up...I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

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